We Signed Up For This

We knew this day would come. When we signed up for foster care, we knew that one day we'd welcome children into our home, grow to love them as our own, and have to say goodbye. We knew it in theory, but no one warned us it would hurt this much.

This morning I was "mom" to two kids who woke up at 7:00 am on the dot and went quietly out to the living room to read books in silence until I came out. Two kids who said "please" and "thank you" for their breakfast and took their dishes to the sink when they were finished. Two kids who read books in my lap and built a fort on the couch and made a lego city on the playroom floor. (Two kids who were also sent to time-out, let's not paint this picture too rosy!) Two kids whom we've grown to love (and fought to love) for over a year, who have truly become part of our family, and whom we are really, really proud of. And then, with a simple lunch break "Transfer of Families," they were out the door with their new "mom" and "dad"-- their "forever family"-- and we were left with our memories and tears.

This morning Jane woke up in her crib singing, "Z-, Z-, Z-, Z-" (foster sister's name) to the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Five hours later, she hugged her goodbye and cried, "I will miss you Z-!" We didn't even know she understood.

People say, "I could never do foster care. I'd get too attached." As if there are people like us who can do it without getting too attached. Danny reminded me of C-'s first foster mom who bawled when she hugged him goodbye last year-- a seasoned foster mom who has said goodbye to dozens of foster kids, and she cried too. Apparently it doesn't get easier with experience. Apparently "too attached" is just part of the deal.

And yet, THIS IS WHAT WE SIGNED UP FOR. Want to love kids who are sometimes (often) hard to love, who will rock your sweet little world and in the end break your heart??? Dotted line here.

Maybe we were fools. But in the midst of the loss, I can't help but think of all we gained.

We gained two children who opened our eyes to some tough realities, stretched us beyond what we thought we could handle, taught us that love is costly and even impossible in our own strength, made us laugh, brought so much life and energy (sometimes too much) ;) into our home, and opened their hearts to love us.

Jane gained two siblings whom she adored and who loved her so genuinely in return. Her world was opened to forts and trampolines and creative play and so much laughter. 

Owen gained countless kisses, lots of love, and in a deeper sense, a home in which he was not the center of the universe. While sometimes we felt bad about this, I think even from infancy it has helped to shape his easy-going, social nature, and for this I am thankful.

Z & C gained a stable, loving HOME and FAMILY for the first time together. And while I hate to think of them having to start all over with a new family now, I rejoice to think we were the link to their FOREVER family, and I have to believe that our part of their story mattered.

Our marriage gained depth and strength as we stood by one another and held each other up through some incredibly tough times. This year reinforced what a great team we make and just how thankful I am to be Danny's wife, to walk through all of life with my best friend.

Our family gained a richness/realness as we all learned how to give and receive love, even when it didn't come naturally. We gained humility for being "that family" in the grocery store or at a restaurant, and we learned to be slower to judge and quicker to extend grace to others.

We gained community as we were surrounded and loved on by so many people. New friends, old friends, family, and people who were dropped into our lives for short seasons just to serve and bless us it seemed-- each stepped up at just the right moment. We could not have survived this past year alone.

Would I sign up for all that again? Absolutely. The loss is great, but we have gained overwhelmingly.

Will we foster again? Honestly, we're not sure. Possibly/probably so, but our hearts need some time to heal, to reset and to figure out where to go from here. For today, we just need to cry.